Saturday, September 5, 2009

What I am Reading

Dear Lucy,
Last week when I had dinner with Cathy she gave me a book called, "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron.
At least, I think she gave it to me. If it was a loan, Cath, I hope you like pink highlighting because I have highlighted the shit out of it!
Anyway, Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun of the Tibetan heritage.
The first paragraph to hit me was this:

"...anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point,experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time."
Is is hard to put into words the feeling of groundlessness I have without Anne which is what makes it so damned hard to stand fully in the present. Because for 16 years she and the marriage have been my reference point and I just figured would always be.

My wandering and not knowing and "running away" are all because I am standing on the edge of the unknown and am groundless. The past is gone and is a nice place to visit(but I wouldn't want to live there), and the future I had planned has been annihilated.

So, I continue to read and I continue to wonder and wander and to look into the unknown.


1 comment:

  1. Yes - it (the book) was a gift. Just as your friendship is a gift to me. One which I certainly intend to keep as well. So - wander-on and wonder-on and one day, when you least expect it, your new life will be upon you and you will be amazed at its perfection and grace. As our friend Joseph Campbell said (I'm paraphrasing)- "You get to a certain age when you will look back on your life's journey and it is as if little helpers have been there all along on the path to guide you and everything falls into place and it just all makes sense."