Last week when I had dinner with Cathy she gave me a book called, "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron.
At least, I think she gave it to me. If it was a loan, Cath, I hope you like pink highlighting because I have highlighted the shit out of it!
Anyway, Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun of the Tibetan heritage.
The first paragraph to hit me was this:
"...anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point,experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time."Is is hard to put into words the feeling of groundlessness I have without Anne which is what makes it so damned hard to stand fully in the present. Because for 16 years she and the marriage have been my reference point and I just figured would always be.
My wandering and not knowing and "running away" are all because I am standing on the edge of the unknown and am groundless. The past is gone and is a nice place to visit(but I wouldn't want to live there), and the future I had planned has been annihilated.
So, I continue to read and I continue to wonder and wander and to look into the unknown.