Just Grinding through another Day

Dear Lucy,
As I sit here on my patio watching the sunset, I can't help but wonder how it is that I can be financially secure, not have to work right now, have lots of people in my life who love me, and still feel like I am just grinding through another day.

It's as if my brain has it in for me for it will not stop spinning the same CD (would have been record 25 years ago) round and round getting nowhere.

I love being gainfully employed and always have. But while being gainfully employed I resent not having the time to write, or meditate or just relax and watch the sunset or the dog play. Then, when I am not employed, I resent having too much time on my hands and being bored. I worry about when or where or how the next job will come when I need it. I wonder if God has planned this all along or if I am running amok and headlong into disaster.

Then I wonder what the hell I am doing on this crazy planet anyway and what difference does it make what I do, we are all gonna end up the same in the end. Dead.
Anne used to quote someone (I don't know who) saying, "We drop out of the womb and crawl across hostile territory toward the grave." Cheery eh? But essentially true.

So, I pull myself out of my funk and take Lucy for a walk and she romps and plays and acts silly and I forget for a while that the world is so complicated.

And I find that before I know it, I have ground through another day.

--Kathy