Gearing up for another train ride

Dear Lucy,
I am gearing up for the next leg of this journey; a train ride from Los Angeles to Jacksonville Florida.
By way of Chicago.
That's right. Chicago.
It seems that Hurricane Katrina is still having her way with the South as the train tracks from New Orleans east are still not up and running since the big blast. So, I could either take the southern route from Los Angeles through Arizona, New Mexico...to New Orleans and then head north to Chicago, or I could rent a car in New Orleans and drive the rest of the way (with a bicycle strapped in the trunk) or just skip the southern route all together.
I decided that being dumped off in New Orleans was not my idea of a good time and would stress me out too much, so that was out.
So, I will be going to Chicago, changing trains there, then going to DC and changing trains there and then heading down the east coast to Florida.
I have to believe that when an adventure takes a turn like that, it's for a reason, and so I am excited to see who I will meet, or what will happen on this trip.
I leave on the evening of the 3rd and get in to Jacksonville on Sunday morning. My friend Donna will pick me up and I will stay with her for a while before heading to Georgia to see Regi.
I have started packing and repacking, and setting items aside to ship home like my heavy jacket and items given to me by family.

I will try to write faithfully on this blog until I leave California. And maybe, there won't be any earthquakes between now and Wednesday!

--Kathy

Guilt

Dear Lucy,

I am continuing to read through the book, "Living when a Loved One Dies", and working through the all the myriad feelings encompassed in the word grief.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"If only I had...
treated the one I loved
more kindly.
called the doctor sooner.
Understood the full extent of the illness.
taken better care of
him or her.
not lost my temper.
expressed my affection
more frequently."

What we all "shoulda, coulda, woulda" in situations had we known what the future held.

Would I have stayed with Anne and not moved out and called it quits? I think I would have.

Had I known that a year after I moved out, she would be dead, I could have stuck it out. I would have stuck it out and likely had a whole different attitude about the whole thing.

I would have cherished her instead of hating what she was putting me through and hating the person she had become.

I would have spent more time with her rather than trying to get away from her.

I would have listened more. I would have tried harder to make every day count for all it was worth, rather than just try and get through another day.

I would have.

I should have.

I could have.

But I didn't. And it's over. And I did the best I could. And now I have to live with it. And get over it.

And move on...

--Kathy

Angels and Demons, the movie

Dear Lucy,

Last night Ken (my bro) and I went to see the movie Angels and Demons. Oddly enough, he and I unknowingly had just read the book; he in Hawaii and I on the train to LA.

Boy, was the movie different. Of course, it always is different because a screen-play adaptation can't give all the details or draw out the plot like a book. So, I expected that.

But, this was really different. I spent half my time trying to figure out where key characters from the book were in the movie, and why some key elements weren't used and different twists added.

It was a good movie. It moved quickly and had lots of action. But the best part of Dan Brown, the author of the book, is his ability to weave lots of information (about the Illuminati in this case) into the story without making you feel like you are reading a text book.

I was very good though in that after the movie and during, I didn't point out what I thought were some obvious flaws like that it was broad daylight in the movie after 8pm when the first murder took place which got me thinking, "it must be summer time, maybe it gets dark later there, but then it's so far south it would be more like Southern California that doesn't stay light near as long as Washington State in the summer..." and of course I lost track of the movie. Pointing out things like this to Anne used to drive her nuts.

Then at one point in the movie Ken leaned over and asked me if I had ever seen "Hunt for Red October". I guess a character in the movie was in that movie.

He had forgotten my problem with remembering movies. It used to drive Anne really nuts.

We would be with some friends and one would ask us if we had seen a certain movie. In unison, she would say yes and I would say no. Then the whole thing started. It went something like this:

Me: "Really? We saw that movie? When?"
Anne: "Oh, you remember (giving some reference as to a time), we saw it with so and so.
Me: "I don't remember it. Who was in it?"
Anne: (So and so, some actor's name).
Me: Who is that?
Anne: He was in (such and such a movie)
Me: Really? Did I see that movie?
Anne: Of course you saw it...
Me: What else was he in?

And on it would go until Anne would get frustrated and tell me she was never getting sucked into this kind of conversation again!
She would of course get sucked in, but as the years went by the conversations grew shorter!
She also wouldn't let me go pick out a movie at the video store alone either as I would inevitably come home beaming at the thought of watching the one I picked out that, of course, we had already seen.

So when Ken asked me about the movie I just laughed and he remembered this story. Some people learn faster than others.

So, I will probably rent Angels and Demons two years from now and watch it anew (in my mind) not remembering the book either, and have a different critique on it.

Life is always so fresh and new for me!

--Kathy

Alaska Pictures

Dear Lucy,


As I am going through the pics on my camera, I thought I would share some of the trip Anne and I took to Alaska a few years back.





First, a picture of me and Anne in our berth on the Alaska Ferry heading up to Alaska. I took the picture through the mirror in front of us. Clever, don't you think?

We called it, "Lesbian Jailhouse"








Next is a man fishing in Ketchikan.



Ketchikan Sunset



Close up of a glacier


As an unemployed lunatic, this is my future house.



--Kathy

Mount Baldy

Dear Lucy,
On Saturday I decided to take a drive to Mount Baldy. Mt. Baldy is about 25 minutes from Ontario, and part of the San Gabriel mountain range.

As young teenager I hiked on the mountain every Saturday with some of my siblings and my brother-in-law. As a young adult my friend Trici and I and whomever else was along, with a snoot-full of alcohol and a lung-full of pot would pile into her VW pickup (this was the 70's folks) and she would drive us up there.

So, this was something to do and a literal drive up and down memory lane.

Not much has changed on the mountain. It's drier having absolutely no snow on it even on its peak, the road isn't any better and the hair-pin turns are still as hair-pin as ever.


Coming home I stopped at a Carl's Jr for some dinner and was surprised to notice that there was a rent-a-cop working there! Security guards in fast-food restaurants?


I thought maybe he worked nearby and was on his break until an armored car pulled up and the guy came in to get the money and waved at the rent-a-cop.

What's this world coming to when there's a security guard at a Carl's Jr????

--Kathy

A Trip to the Bookstore

Dear Lucy,

Yesterday after reading a friend's blog I set off to the book store to find the two books she had recommended to those with a creative bent.

The books were in the self-help section, and while trying to get me to check out a self-help section is like trying to get a dentalphobe to the office for a root-canal, I went. I didn't find the books I was looking for (they were sold out), but I did pass a section on, Death, Dying, and Grief.

I ignored it the first time around, and then finally figured, "what the heck, I'll see what the latest psychobabble on the topics is".

Most of the books were pretty much that. Lots of blah, blah, about the stages of grief and what to expect. Too many words for me.

Then I hit upon this one: Living When a Loved One has Died, by Earl A. Grollman. It was poetry.

Really. It was pages of poetry that so touched me I nearly started crying in the store. Here is the first one that hit home:

"Your loved one has died.
You are unprepared.
The death has struck
like a tidal wave.
You are cut loose from your
moorings.
You are all but drowning in the
sea of your private sorrow.
The person who has
been part of
your life is gone forever.
It is final, irrevocable.
Part of you has died."

Wow. That's it! That is exactly how I feel and I have been struggling to put it in words for months. Part of me has died and I feel completely cut loose from my moorings.

Lost. Vulnerable. The one and only person on this dustball we call earth who knew me inside and out--and still loved me!--is gone forever and poof, just like that, my life is completely upside down. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know where I am going, and the person I had the most history with is not around to share that with and help me find my way.

And the worst part is that no one can really reach into that place in me and comfort it. They can offer solace, friendship, love, but it won't reach that place.

I think that's why so many people have a hard time dealing with someone who is grieving. There just aren't any words to say, not enough hugs to give, that can reach the person where she needs to be reached. I think only God can do that.

Unfortunately for me, I am not on good speaking terms with God right now even though I see His work in my life every day. Maybe that's the best I can do right now--acknowledge the work of God in my life every day.

But then, that's the best any of us can do.

--Kathy

Finally got to the beach!

Dear Lucy,

So, after all my adventures, I finally made it to the beach. I parked at the pier, got my bike off the rack and my chair, and wouldn't you know it. I forgot to bring the key to my bike lock!

I had planned to ride a bit, stop to get some sun and to read, and then ride back feeling smugly superior for having gotten some exercise. CURSES!

Fortunately, the beach has some grassy areas by the board walk where those who don't want to get sand in there cracks can go, and you can just park your bike near you and keep an eye on it.

That's what I did. I parked. I read. I got a sunburn. I rode up and down some of the boardwalk. And I drove home feeling smugly superior for having gotten some exercise.

Huntington Beach was all abuzz setting up nets and bleachers and booths for some huge volleyball championship this weekend.

Just think; hundreds of young, taut, tanned bodies jumping around and slapping their leather balls over nets!

Isn't America great?

--Kathy